Where have I been?

Where have I been and what have I been up to? Well... Fuck all that. From the moment my foot touches Estonia, I'll be writing again. I'll be spending my summer in Estonia and so I'm going to try and have adventures as often as possible. So there.

Kui oled Eestis ja sul on igav, siis võta ühendust! Pole tähtis kas oled võõras või kunagine ammune sõber.

stop

Stop thinking about him. Do not think about him.

Happiness

I've realised that happiness isn't for me.

I've always wanted to be happy and now for a a while, I've had such a positive way of thinking.

But what I've realised is that it's not for me.

Back when I was a depressed little girl, I was more inspired to do everything. I felt more inspired to study, to create art - to do something! But now that I feel contentment... I seem to do nothing. I just don't feel like it. Heck, it makes me feel unmotivated...

Being happy is like constantly being high - you feel good, so you get shit done. Why ruin the great feeling with something that makes you feel like shit? But let me tell you, it's when you feel down that you want to get out of it, get better and do something, just to feel a bit better. And then work is the best answer.

I've got used to being depressed. Maybe I never should've but I did. And now it feels queer without it.

death... through slit throats

i always think of you when i listen to this artist

The journey to my destination - a dream I had

I was on my way to Tallinn. At first I was on the school coach and we had gone pretty far when suddenly, the coach turned around and began going back to Birkas. A parent of one of my classmates had come to pick her daughter up because she had misbehaved. The thing is though, that wasn't the important part of the dream. 

Lots of people got off the coach for a little while, I guess for fresh air, and so did I. When it was time to get back on the coach, I went only to realise afterwards that thanks to me having my head up in the clouds, I had gone on the wrong coach (that later on turned out  to be the right one, but you'll understand it once you finish this story and if know enough about me). I realised that when I noticed on the road that my school coach was driving before this coach. Apparently, I had gone on this regular coach that travelled around the smaller places of Noarootsi parish. As soon as I noticed my mistake, I thought to myself,"What should I do? Should I call one of my classmates and ask them for the driver to stop and come and pick me up?" 

By then, the coach I was on had gone a different route already, so I decided that no... The driver wouldn't turn around just for me anyway and even if he would, it'll be unfair to others and a waste of time in general. So I turned to the driver of the coach that I was on and told him about my weird incident. I asked him to let me off and how far the main road was. I was told that I'd be walking for about 15-20 minutes before reaching the main road. I decided that all right, it was unexpected, I did freak out at first and I was still feeling scared, but I'll be fine. I will have to hitchhike to get to Tallinn - my destination, but I'll get along just fine. Even though the experience was scary and I felt unsure about how things will turn out, there was that strong voice in the back of my head, telling me,"You will be fine no matter what. You will reach your destination." 

So I clenched my fists, held my head up high, and I was ready to go on my way. Let the all the other students go down the same road, I've got my own. It's different, but I'll meet people who will help me reach my destination along the way and when I arrive, I'll be where I feel the most comfortable, where I have my most beloved people around me.

.

I wish I had so many benzos I couldn't even feel myself anymore. Just be somewhere between Earth and Heaven.
It's difficult to be when you can't even live with yourself.