I don't know what to say or do because I just... Wouldn't know.
I've always tried to stay positive and think to myself that life might just turn around for me. But as life passes by, I begin to realise it's not like that. If you've been put down your whole life, a maggot like you will never turn into a butterfly. And so that's what I am. I'm one of those who will never turn into that something I wish for no matter how much I try. This place isn't where I belong. I keep wondering... Would life be different if I finally found the place where I should be?
I don't know. But what I know for sure is that I do not belong here. And the people who I idolize, aren't the kind of people who'd even look at me even if I met them. I guess it's true, you learn every day. And I've learnt that the people who try to inspire others, will never help others.
They'll never get these people to try and reach the heights, becases the truth is, they don't actually care. They only say the things they do in order to satisfy themselves. To create the fake illusion that they've helped somebody when in fact, they haven't helped the people who've needed it. They've only made themselves feel good.
Kerli is the best example of all.
All smoke and no proof.
Kerli is the best example of all.
All smoke and no proof.
At least back then, she was real.
ReplyDeleteHey Lexi,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all you are one of the most confident seeming people I know. You are tough and beautiful and smart, and that's probably what most people see, but I remember what I was like when I was 18 (and maybe to some extent still am now ha) and I know under my own bravado was a lot of hurt and vulnerability and pain. I think anyone creative, intelligent and artistic is going to experience some of what you are talking about here, and for whatever reason some of us go through a wandering lost period when we are young. I know 18 doesn't feel young, and when people tell a late teenager to "give it time" it comes off as disgusting and like the older person is out of touch with being young and the intensity and color and angst of all that is and to some extent I used to suspect any adult who said "it gets better" or "it gets easier" had just "given up" or "given in" somehow or sold out even to the vanity of life.
But things do get better in some ways, and things do change, and sometimes things turn around in the most bizarre way you can think of, and we ourselves change in the weirdest ways: we soften, we harden, we become more ourselves and find it easier to be who we are and at some point it matters less and less what other people think and we realize that we have to embrace that part of ourselves inside that always hurt the worst, and we'll realize that part of ourself wasn't selfish, it was good and crying out for more because that's all everyone should cry for.
We all deserve more. What's hardest is when we realize only we can give ourselves more, to some extent, but then after we have done so--that's when suddenly we're able to make the close connections we hungered for when we were so alone.
And anyway I am rambling poetically and it's probably all "bullshit". But you are real, and I like you, and I want to wish you good luck. Keep in touch definitely!
Your facebook friend <3 ,
Jenny Nielsen
Damn gurl! That was good! You should write a book! *no sarcasm, I swear*
ReplyDeleteThis actually helped. :3
BTW, I'm thinking about going to Canada once high school is over. I'll try and see if I can make it there. If not, I'll go somewhere else and try and see if I can make it there! xD