stop

Stop thinking about him. Do not think about him.

Happiness

I've realised that happiness isn't for me.

I've always wanted to be happy and now for a a while, I've had such a positive way of thinking.

But what I've realised is that it's not for me.

Back when I was a depressed little girl, I was more inspired to do everything. I felt more inspired to study, to create art - to do something! But now that I feel contentment... I seem to do nothing. I just don't feel like it. Heck, it makes me feel unmotivated...

Being happy is like constantly being high - you feel good, so you get shit done. Why ruin the great feeling with something that makes you feel like shit? But let me tell you, it's when you feel down that you want to get out of it, get better and do something, just to feel a bit better. And then work is the best answer.

I've got used to being depressed. Maybe I never should've but I did. And now it feels queer without it.

death... through slit throats

i always think of you when i listen to this artist

The journey to my destination - a dream I had

I was on my way to Tallinn. At first I was on the school coach and we had gone pretty far when suddenly, the coach turned around and began going back to Birkas. A parent of one of my classmates had come to pick her daughter up because she had misbehaved. The thing is though, that wasn't the important part of the dream. 

Lots of people got off the coach for a little while, I guess for fresh air, and so did I. When it was time to get back on the coach, I went only to realise afterwards that thanks to me having my head up in the clouds, I had gone on the wrong coach (that later on turned out  to be the right one, but you'll understand it once you finish this story and if know enough about me). I realised that when I noticed on the road that my school coach was driving before this coach. Apparently, I had gone on this regular coach that travelled around the smaller places of Noarootsi parish. As soon as I noticed my mistake, I thought to myself,"What should I do? Should I call one of my classmates and ask them for the driver to stop and come and pick me up?" 

By then, the coach I was on had gone a different route already, so I decided that no... The driver wouldn't turn around just for me anyway and even if he would, it'll be unfair to others and a waste of time in general. So I turned to the driver of the coach that I was on and told him about my weird incident. I asked him to let me off and how far the main road was. I was told that I'd be walking for about 15-20 minutes before reaching the main road. I decided that all right, it was unexpected, I did freak out at first and I was still feeling scared, but I'll be fine. I will have to hitchhike to get to Tallinn - my destination, but I'll get along just fine. Even though the experience was scary and I felt unsure about how things will turn out, there was that strong voice in the back of my head, telling me,"You will be fine no matter what. You will reach your destination." 

So I clenched my fists, held my head up high, and I was ready to go on my way. Let the all the other students go down the same road, I've got my own. It's different, but I'll meet people who will help me reach my destination along the way and when I arrive, I'll be where I feel the most comfortable, where I have my most beloved people around me.

.

I wish I had so many benzos I couldn't even feel myself anymore. Just be somewhere between Earth and Heaven.
It's difficult to be when you can't even live with yourself.

I don't know...

I don't know what to say or do because I just... Wouldn't know.

I've always tried to stay positive and think to myself that life might just turn around for me. But as life passes by, I begin to realise it's not like that. If you've been put down your whole life, a maggot like you will never turn into a butterfly. And so that's what I am. I'm one of those who will never turn into that something I wish for no matter how much I try. This place isn't where I belong. I keep wondering... Would life be different if I finally found the place where I should be? 

I don't know. But what I know for sure is that I do not belong here. And the people who I idolize, aren't the kind of people who'd even look at me even if I met them. I guess it's true, you learn every day. And I've learnt that the people who try to inspire others, will never help others.

They'll never get these people to try and reach the heights, becases the truth is, they don't actually care. They only say the things they do in order to satisfy themselves. To create the fake illusion that they've helped somebody when in fact, they haven't helped the people who've needed it. They've only made themselves feel good.

Kerli is the best example of all.
All smoke and no proof.